past…

it keeps haunting me now more than ever.. i never really thought that this would have ate at me as much as it has, nor did it occur to me that something like this would happen.. nothing gold can stay..

the first time you said goodbye, my heart would not stop beating as though something was wrong, as though from that day everything was going to change, and it was not going to be a change i was going to be comfortable with.. so many things since that day; it’s barely been a little over a year, and i never thought my heart would be in the position that it is in today..

i have suffered with people so close to me becoming alcoholics and letting their lives slip through their hands, family members who became addicted to narcotics, unwanted pregnancies crushing many of my friend’s and families dreams, gangs eating my friends and step brother alive because they had no where to turn to, and all that’s at my reach was to help them with prayer.. i had you, and with you i felt enough strength to not take these things to heart so much to where i would be depressed.. with you, all i had to worry about was how you made me happy, and how our love could make any pain so much smaller.. but i never thought i would have to have someone so close to me deal with a struggle such as the one you are facing.. i could not believe it the day you confessed it, and i cannot help but break down everytime i am reminded of it..

idk if that was what my heart somehow felt.. the fact that the same person that said goodbye to me on my doorstep the day you left to your new life, would not be the same person from that day on.. you have changed to where i honestly feel like i don’t know you anymore, you say i am your best friend, you say you confide in me most but i cannot help but feel like you’re becoming someone i never grew to know.. or maybe you say you had always been this way, does this mean you never showed me your true side until just now..

i guess i fell in love with the person who was who he was when he was around me.. when you were around other people it surprised me how you would act, and how quickly you flow with the current.. the one i fell in love with was genuine, strong and so mature.. but with the things you say when you thought i wasn’t listening or paying attention, you were someone different..

this is honestly what i feel.. this is what brings me to tears every time you come to mind.. the fact that i will never have that one “you” back..

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